Life Goes On...

I just cannot seem to keep up with this blog anymore! Last post was...well...a very long time ago. At that time I thought I was back blogging for sure, but that was a fail. I would like to get back to it, but no idea how often I can post. Things are always crazy and busy around here for sure!

There's a bunch of nothing and a ton that has happened in the past few months, most of it not new news, just me finally sharing on here to fellow followers. I am just a few months away from delivering another sweet baby boy! We are so excited that Braedan will be having a little brother to play with and love. It's always a strange thought or process to think about "when are we going to try for our next baby" it's such a big decision to change your family, to change the way things were, and it's easy to think that in an instant it will just happen. Heck, with Braedan we said ,let's make a baby, and it literally happened within days! And then we were off with all the normal scares and excitements of any pregnancy. It wasn't so easy this time around.

We decided to begin trying for baby #2 around the end of March. I at that point had switched to a more natural family planning method/fertility charting (and plan to do so again after baby is born), and it was exciting knowing exactly when everything was happening with my body. It was also nerve wracking the end of every month when I knew it would be time to test, and hoping that those pink lines would appear. Each month came with a little disappointment, but also a good feeling knowing that I knew for sure that I was not pregnant and didn't have to worry about all the things you worry about "when you're pregnant". And then May came. As mentioned in previous post, I had gone to a Living Proof Live conference. I remember just feeling tired, weird, minor cravings, and then the last day after lunch I lost my cookies. A small part of me (okay, a BIG part) hoped that it was baby sickness...and I brushed it off for gallbladder. So that next Wednesday, May 26th to be exact (my friend's birthday!) I saw the two pink lines. I was so excited, but also was hoping that the lines would get darker than they were, as it was very early still. So I tested the next few days...and it didn't get darker. And I was temping as well, and it was staying high, good sign. We didn't say anything to anyone (well one person was aware as of that Sunday, but no one else). We didn't want to share until we knew for sure all was good. And then Monday came.

Monday morning was Memorial Day. What a day of Memorial it was to become for us. First thing in the morning I took my temp, and it had dropped. Super sad moment. I was scared. I wasn't feeling right. Something was not right. And then in happened. I started to bleed. I knew right away, and my day was ruined. I ended up taking a test, and it was confirmed. We had lost the baby. It was a sad, heartbroken day, and only three friends knew about it. It was hard for weeks to not be able to share, as no one one knew, and we decided to keep it that way because I think that so many people do not understand situations like that, they don't know what to say, and many end up saying the wrong things. It continued to  be hard especially in the next month when the tissues of the pregnancy had finally "passed" through my body. To spare the detail of that I will not share,but those of you who have experienced this know exactly what I am talking about. It was sad. That baby would have been due February 4th, 2011. Now it's March of 2011. I am at peace with  the situation, and know that there was nothing wrong I did and that baby just wasn't forming right most likely. No one really ever knows why a baby is lost in most cases, but it happens. Probably more often than you think and to friends of yours who, just like me, just didn't feel like sharing that deep hurt in their lives.

And then came October. We had continued to try for a few months for another baby, but just casually. Not super strict at all. It had been 6 months of trying so far, and we decided to "take a month off" of the planning and charting, as it was nothing but disappointing every month. But around the time when I normally ovulate, I decided to temp, just to see where I was. So it was sort of, half a month off. October 9th was a Saturday, and my mother was coming to visit that day. I took a test in the morning, I was trying to figure out where I was in my cycle. And to my surprise,  two pink lines showed up. I did not know what to think. I was excited, and showed James, and we decided to keep it our secret for now, maybe get past the marker point of when we had lost the last one. But as days passed, I knew it was different. I just knew that it was going to be ok. I wasn't as fearful, but still cautious and hesitant, I wanted to tell everyone, but tell no one at the same time. So we didn't tell anyone. Well...except the one person found out because she's a friend on the fertility site I was using...I thought I had blocked my charts, and I did, but at the very top of my home page it automatically posts a BFP (which stands for "big fat positive" for those who don't know), and I was busted haha. But that was ok. No one else found out for a little while. We were excited. After 6 months of trying and one loss, we had finally conceived a baby, what we now know is our second baby boy, and we are very excited.

This pregnancy has been tough, the last one was tough too...tough as in sick allllll theeee timmmmmeeeee. Yep. Not cool. I spend Sunday mornings puking my guts out and trying to get to the church on time for rehearsal, but for the most part all has been good. It has been a big adjustment trying to deal with pregnancy exhaustion, morning sickness, and a toddler at the same time, but still fun. Braedan understands that there is a baby in mommy's belly, and it's really funny when he tries to kick the baby, because baby kicks him. No he hasn't actually kicked my stomach, it's just funny he thinks he can. But he's a good boy. I think he's going to be a good big brother. And from the scans so far, it looks like this baby might end up looking similar to Braedan.

So that is a long post, but just some things I needed to get down. I hope to be back soon, sooner than last time, but we are getting close now. I have 15 weeks left of this pregnancy. So strange to think that about 10 weeks from now was when Braedan was delivered. I do hope for full time this time, but one never knows. Anything can happen. So long for now fellow readers. Spring is coming!

Just One Of "Those" Days...

I have decided that I just need to do something with myself. Do you ever just have one of "those" days? You know, the days where you just feel down, where you can't look at yourself in the mirror without feeling disgusted at how you've let yourself go. Seriously, I need to do something, and I need to do it NOW!

I always knew that once I had a child normal everyday things would become a bit more difficult, but I didn't really realize that I would only be showering only every other day (if I'm lucky), that my child wouldn't really sleep well at night to allow me to work out or whatever I may need to do, or that I would be fighting to try to get him to eat SOMETHING...but I also didn't realize that I would have so much joy in watching my son stir a spoon in an empty pan thinking he is cooking or watching the evil grin smile that he has on his face when I catch him "in the act" or how beautiful he would be when he is sleeping in my arms...and that is just a wonderful thing. I wouldn't change any of it for the world...not even if it meant gaining another 20 lbs or so. It wouldn't matter!

But back to that "doing something" thing. It's time for me to get myself on the ball and start working out (or something!) Since I am baking a lot more and spending a lot of time in the kitchen making homemade foods and whatnot, I am afraid I will gain a little more. Now I haven't really gained weight since having my son, actually I am proud to say that last time I weighed myself (about 2 months ago) I was less than what I weighed before getting pregnant. Sweet! (Only the fat has seemed to relocate itself in such a way that it looks like I am bigger. Funny how that works!) But the biggest reason I need to get active is because my muscles just hurt. Most of you don't know, but I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2007 (along with connective tissue disorder causing reynauds and a few other things), so a lot of times I just don't feel well. When I became pregnant, all the pain went away, and it was wonderful! A few months after birth, it started to come back, but never as bad as it was beforehand. But today, today I just hurt. I ache everywhere. The thing about fibro is that it hurts to much to do anything, but working out is the only thing that will keep your muscles from freezing up. I am just not good at that "W" thing...Never have been. I have always been able to resort to unhealthy ways of being thinner and losing weight, and that's not me anymore. I eat healthy (except for my occasional chocolate sweets of course!) but am not active other than what a toddler allowing you to be active is. But I need to learn, or just start. It's time to do this and get healthy and feeling better!

It's time...that is, after I eat my brownie of course! (wonderful brownie recipe located at Adorkable Recipes. Check it out and make them!)

Three Months Later...

I have had every intention of updating this blog, and every attemp failed. It's crazy how life changes when you have a baby! Totally expected and completely not knowing what to expect. Even now as I type the sounds of a baby screaming fill the room. Poor kid. Daddy is bouncing with Braedan on the ball, fingers in his mouth, anything to keep him comfy. So, now that it has been 3 months, I think it's time for an update!!

Life with Braedan has been interesting. We absolutely love him!!! Although, he has been a rather difficult child. He seems to be a bit colicky. The first month was the hardest, and it gets easier as we go along, as we get used to his sensitive temperment. He also has a few food sensitivities, so that makes life intersting for me. Since we are breastfeeding, that means I have cut out all forms of dairy, soy, eggs, nuts, and most caffeine. My hopes are that he will outgrow these, but even if he doesn't it makes me eat much healthier! Braedan, when not screaming, is smiling, on the verge of a laugh but not quite there yet. He has the most beautiful smile! He also is starting to "talk" with us, baby talk. It's so interesting to hear. And he loves being on his legs! We are borrowing a bouncer from a friend and he loves being in it. He can't bounce yet, and the fun onlylasts a few minutes, but they are a great few minutes. We love every minute we get to spend with our baby boy, even if it is a rather difficult one.

I am in the process of uploading more pics, so hopefully I will have some links to those soon. I also hope to actually keep up with this blog, keep everyone updated. But for now, I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and happy early new year!!!

[caption id="attachment_52" align="aligncenter" width="420" caption="Braedan being his cute little self!"][/caption]

Lil' B's Perfect Arrival

So, this is a little late in posting, but OUR BABY IS HERE! Braedan was born on September 20th at 10:!3pm. He weighed 5lbs. 11.5ozs. and was only 5 weeks early! We like to call him our little miracle baby...aka the fighter, because had he come on time, he may not have made it. When he came out we saw that the cord was wrapped tight around his neck and around his body. Had we even noticed anything had changed, it would have been too late. But not to dwell on that, he is here, safe, and totally healthy!! I gave birth totally drug free, completely and comfortably natural (other than being on a hospital bed of course), and with the help of a friend to act as a Doula. I labored mostly at home which was awesome. The best part was my friend's little daughter (2 yrs. old) even helped to rub my back with a heating pad. It was so cute. She's a little mini chiro-doula! Labor was only about 6 or so hours for me. Pretty short I think. All in all, quite the experience. Now that I am out of it, I think I can do it again!

On another note, the week following was not so fun. Since our baby was preterm, he had to  stay in the nursery to be checked out and tested on to make sure he didn't have any infections etc. He did have fluid in his lungs, but that was about it. He ended up being on antibiotics for a couple of days, and then we didn't start even feeding him till after that. He was fed through IV initially. James and I were very frustrated because the nurses kept not telling us anything. The first thing that made us mad was that they didn't even let us know about the first time they fed him. We didn't get to know, and we didn't get to be there, and it was very upsetting. So we demanded to be told from there on out when he was to eat so we could do it. After birth the next time I even held my baby was around 24 hours. He had to stay in an isolette to regulate his temperature  for a few days, and we could only touch him through the holes in the side. It was sad to see him in there with things all hooked up to him, but we understood why. So as he progressed, we began asking when he would get to come home...what a roller coaster ride of emotions.

At first the doctors kept saying that Braedan would have to increase his eating and continue to eat a certain amount. He did that, and even kept increasing what he was eating, and then still no answer. Then they kept weighing him every night and said that he needed to stop losing weight. (BTW, all babies lose weight after birth and gain it back about a week or so after). Every ounce mattered. Everytime he got weighed and lost another ounce like a normal baby would, it would just break our hearts because we would get no word on when he could come home. I never even got to have him in my hospital room with me. Braedan was born on a Saturday night, and I was discharged Monday. But I decided to stay at the hospital every night in a room specially for moms. Of course no dads were allowed to stay, which made things even worse. Our entire, new family separated every day, every night.

Days kept going by and we would ask to speak to the head Doctor, but no communication was given. We weren't doing anything at the hospital that we couldn't do at home: feed him, change him, monitor him, and bring him in for weight checks. All we wanted to know was what the exact criteria was for him to be able to go home, and all we would get were "beat around the bush" answers. The worst was when they would threaten feeding tubes for him anytime he didn't meet a certain amount of food in a certain amount of time. No baby is going to eat the exact same amount in the exact amount of time every 3 hours around the clock. Not normal. We were just mad. Of course they also were saying that he had to maintain his weight before he could go home. So he needed to not lose any more weight. So James and I thought, "Ok, if he'll just weigh the same here then he can go home". Nope, some nurses started saying, "no he needs to gain weight." We were getting so angry now because it was always a different answer! It had been such a frustrating week already and a huge emotional roller coaster! Finally Friday night rolled around and he was to be weighed. He had gained a few ounces!! I was so excited. There was no reason now why he shouldn't be able to come home.

Saturday came, and hours kept going by, and I was waiting to hear anything about him being able to go home. No word, no communication. Finally a new set of nurses were here and one said "So they're discharging him today?" I had no idea. No one had said anything to me. I was excited and mad at the same time, so I decided to push the subject all day. Finally I was told that he would be discharged and was ready to go, and all we needed now was just our ride to go home. We were there an entire week.

Now I know that there are many mothers who might be thinking, "our child was in there for months, you have no idea," and they're right. But I do know that even that one week was torture, not being able to be the parent to your own child, having to be monitored all the time, someone else setting the rules. We hated it. And, I cannot imagine what other mothers have gone through being there for longer. I don't think I could do it. But I would if I had to.

The good thing is Braedan is home now, and is as strong and healthy as ever. Today he weighed in at 7lbs. 4oz. He is getting big! We couldn't be happier to have him home (even when he is up screaming through half the night or not cooperating...he is still our cute little baby boy). LIfe is good and we are adjusting. Although it's been a roller coaster ride, I wouldn't change it for the world!